Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Overall, not so bad.

I was a horrible person. I don't like who I was, and I'm changing, or trying to change, for the better.

So the next posts are going to be my account of how it's going.

My last post is disgusting; I have a boyfriend that loves me more than I even knew anyone could love me. I shit on him. I stabbed him in the heart, and for what? A bit of attention. I've been living my life as a 17-year-old whore, basically. I'm not gonna do that anymore. I want to work to be the person I want the be, the person I need to be, the person my amazing boyfriend deserves. Because he doesn't deserve to be treated like shit, like I've treated him. And if I continue doing so, then I don't deserve him.
He's too good for me.

I wanna be on par with him, I wanna be the best girlfriend that I possibly can be for him, and I wanna be as GOOD as I possibly can be in the process.

I've learned from my mistakes, which is more than I can say for a lot of people. I've learned from them, and now I need to move on and try to be a better person.

So here I go.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Hello again, blog. It's been awhile.

A LONG while. A lot has changed. But we won't get into that. I'll just pretend you've been here all along. Through thick and thin with me, though you haven't. Which is sad, but true.

I'm unsure what to do with myself these days. I feel like a lost little girl in Wal-mart or the grocer's. I'm ready to go home, but I don't know which way home is. I live in LaCrosse, WI, now. Strange, yeah? I thought I'd be millions of miles away by now, but I'm not.

And on one hand, it's wonderful. I have a boyfriend who loves me above all else.

But on the other, well.
I've been thinking lately about when I was in high school and I thought that I'd be engaged to an Irishman or someone with an equally sexy accent by now, and we'd get married and I'd be doing something awesome, like writing for a magazine, or something of that sort, and we'd have a couple of super-smart children, and they'd learn seven million different languages with me, and we'd be awesome together.

Well, I'm not across an ocean. I'm not engaged to a boy with an accent, unless you count Midwestern as an accent. I'm jobless. I have an interview at JCPenney on Monday.

This is my sad life. This is what I have to look forward to.

I wish I could jump off a building an

Thursday, December 20, 2007

For Heaven only knows why one loves it so...

...how one sees it so, making it up, building it round one, tumbling it, creating it every moment afresh; but the veriest frumps, the most dejected of miseries sitting on doorsteps (drink their downfall) do the same; can’t be dealt with, she felt positive, by Acts of Parliament for that very reason: they love life.


Ah, how is it i feel today? not well, in the sense that others would define well. I am well, after all, in my own way. I am, of course, alive and healthy. I am however doing far too much thinking. I can't stop thinking! And of what? Nothing at all, but everything. Everything is beautiful. It is, as much as i hate saying it, i love everything today. The corridors, in which i today witnessed a student toss a wrapper out of her coat pocket. The Library, with all the books and the hushed anticipation of the bell ringing in the end of the hour, the end of this miserable and far too quiet time in this prison. The teachers, who sometimes seem to genuinely care. The student, who are nothing, yet everything, like me.

I have this scrape, if you'll call it as such, on my left hand just where my index finger meets my palm. I think it's from when i slipped on the ice and fell last tuesday with Eliott in front of Texas Roadhouse. I can't be sure, of course, for it didn't even notice it until yesterday afternoon, when it began to sting in pain. It interests me, for some strange reason, though. The texture of it, the location of it... it's unlike anything i've had; it's like when there's a bruise on my finger. It's odd, and a sweet reminder that we''re human. At least for me it is.

Perhaps i'm just insane. Or, perhaps everyone has these thoughts.

I doubt it.


I don't want it to be Thursday. I want it to be Saturday afternoon, so that i can be excited with anticipation for my brother's arrival. Alas, i must sit through another day of shit. I don't see the point of most of my classes. Why am i stuck in intro to law? Why? I've no use for it. sure, it's interesting enough and easy and gives me a bit of knowledge of the legalities of this horrifyingly beautiful country, but i shall move, move away to England, to Scotland, to anywhere but here, where the cold seeps into my bones.

I want my bones to be comfortable, to be warm. To be in california, to be close to Dustin's bones.


"Come with me.

We took a back road.
We're gonna look at the stars.
We took a backroad in my car.
Down to the ocean,it’s only water and sand
And in the ocean we'll hold hands.
But I don't really like you,
apologetically dressed in the best,
but on a heartbeat glide.
Without an answer,
the thunder speaks for the sky,
and on the cold, wet dirt I cry.
And on the cold, wet dirt I cry.

Don’t you wanna come with me?
Don’t you wanna feel my bones
on your bones?It's only natural.

A cinematic vision ensued
like the holiest dream.
It's someone's calling?
An angel whispers my name,
but the message relayed is the same:
“Wait till tomorrow,you'll be fine."
But it's gone to the dogs in my mind.
I always hear them when the dead of night
comes calling to save me from this fight.
But they can never wrong this right.

Don't you wanna come with me?
Don't you wanna feel my boneson your bones?
It's only natural.
Don’t you wanna swim with me?
Don’t you wanna feel my skinon your skin?
It's only natural.
(Never had a lover)I never had a lover
(Never had soul)I never had soul
(Never had a good time)And I never had a good time
(Never got cold)I never got gold.

Don't you wanna come with me? Don't you wanna feel my bones
on your bones?
It's only natural.
Don't you wanna swim with me? Don't you wanna feel my skin
on your skin?
It's only natural.
Don't you wanna come with me? Don't you wanna feel my bones
on your bones?
It’s only natural.
Come and take a swim with me. Don't you wanna feel my skin
on your skin?
It’s only natural"


Indeed, Killers. It's only natural.

I think that in next hour there's some sort of lady coming in to rescue us from our boredom by raving on and on to us about being a lawyer. I daon't know if i'm up for that. It hink that perhaps i'll sleep though it. that is what i feel up to, sleeping. I hope that we're not actually doing anything in BritLit, as i don't want to. Christ i have so much latework for that class.

I just won't talk to anyone but Dustin tonight. Because i need to make him cookies, and i'd planned on backing in general, as well as catching up on some shit.

How, though?
I shall be up all night.

Oh, i need to stop California dreamin' sometime. It's just going to kill me in the end.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Lovesong (that reminds me of Dustin)

Whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel
Like i am home again whenever i'm alone with
You you make me feel like i am whole again
Whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel
Like i am young again whenever i'm alone with
You you make me feel like i am fun again

However far away i will always love you however
Long i stay i will always love you whatever
Words i say i will always love you i will always
Love you


Whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel
Like i am free again whenever i'm alone with
You you make me feel like i am clean again

However far away i will always love you however
Long i stay i will always love you whatever
Words i say i will always love you i will always
Love you

No sex no drugs no wine no women no fun no me no you no wonder it's dark...

That's correct, children! no sex! None, not for a whole five months now!


*dies*


scratch that.


*kills someone*

Nickmas is what's keping my hunger held down until june... I can't imagin what will hapen when nickmas is finished...

No drugs is a bit of a lie. Let's not get into that...

No wine. Because i am underage. DAMN YOU, PEOPLE WHO MADE THAT THE LAW!! I did have a glass at my sister's on Thursday night, though. Huzzah.

no women, for i am quite straight. Not nearly as straight as an arrow, though... more like a straight line drawn by a six-year-old. *nods*

No fun, because Ben's moved to motherfucking MADISON to steal all the fun for himself!! Muthafucka. And i havn't got a job or a car. But Jeremy comes home on Sunday, so there is hope yet.

no me, because Dustin hasn't got me.

No you, because i havn't got him.

no wonder it's dark. And cold. And depressing. And I am thoroughly sick of using my hand!


Dustin's besties Brandon and Kristina had a baby girl yesterday. guess what they named her?!


















Kayli! i'm kidding. they actually named her Kaylee.
Which is virtually the same damn thing.
I'm proud of them.


Also, Jeremy got married on Friday. So that was interesting. I shall make fun of him to no end when he comes. I must clean the spare room... ugh.

I really don't want Tami to come home, dangit. RAWR, she's such a tard!

Joy's getting a tat on Friday. She wants to get "Alexander" across the top of her nunga. Do you see hy i've tried to talk her out of it?

yep.

Sometimes i wonder about my pallies and their smartnosity.













Ah well.
Mr Hinz is subbing again today. I still really want to kill Kacie or however the fuck you spell the cunt's name, but ah wellzz....oh christ he just walked past.
I think i'm so attracted to him ebcause i havn't had sex in so long, and i usually do like every other week...
And he reminds me of Sting in the video for Don't Stand So Close.

Young teacher, the subject
Of schoolgirl fantasy
She wants him so badly
Knows what she wants to be
Inside her theres longing
This girls an open page
Book marking - shes so close now
This girl is half his age

Dont stand, dont stand so
Dont stand so close to me

Her friends are so jealous
You know how bad girls get
Sometimes its not so easy
To be the teachers pet
Temptation, frustration
So bad it makes him cry
Wet bus stop, shes waiting
His car is warm and dry

Dont stand, dont stand so
Dont stand so close to me

Loose talk in the classroom
To hurt they try and try
Strong words in the staffroom
The accusations fly
Its no use, he sees her
He starts to shake and cough
Just like the old man in
That book by nabakov

Dont stand, dont stand so
Dont stand so close to me
Dont stand, dont stand so
Dont stand so close to me

Oh how i wish.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Josh is my lady, and I am his man.

So anyway, i had a far more decent night last night than i've had in a while. Dustin and i spoke on the phone for ages and it was great. We just sat and told stories to eachother and fucked about. I love that i can fuck with him and he fucks right back. I put up with his bullshit, and he puts up with mine. We even like it.

The school has blocked all means of real internet access. I can no longer (until someone comes up with another proxy) get access to myspace or anything decent, and it takes me ages just to get onto this. I think that i might possibly go home and after doing homework and making something yummy to eat simply attempt to make my own proxy. I wonder if that'd work? Probably not, but hell, it's worth a try.

I don't know what the fuck i'm gonna do about my lack of sex. I mean, there's always masturbation, but let's face it - that's just NOT the same!! I'm debating steve. But i don't want anyone but Dustin. That and Steve has a girlfriend. whose name is also Kayli, only it's spelled Kaylea. ARGH i'm going fucking nuts!

Ah well. At least i'll get some weed sometime in the near future. likely today or tomorrow. Hopefully today sometime, like after school or something. My back hurts so bad. And people aren't exactly helping that by making me wake up in the morning.

Speaking of that, Josh and i were chillin at my house yesterday and Tory came round and hung out for a bit and was talking to us and acting like we were her friend, and whatever. It was okay, but Josh is the type of person who if he feels comfortable with the person, he'll tell-all... and tory's the type that she'll act like your friend, but then she'll tell everyone. Cunt, right? but yeah, so she went outside or something and i told josh what was up.

then we took josh home (dad and i) and Tory took me out to fucking Kroll's when i got home. Randomly. I was like, what the fuck?? seriously, it's not like she's my favourite or something. Josh, who is sitting behind me reading this, just informed me that he has never been to Kroll's. I seriously do not believe that. I fucking love Kroll's, it's the greasiest shit food you'll find anywhere. Yummmm... Just thinking about it makes me hungry.

Okay josh is really bothering me, so cheers.

Monday, December 10, 2007

California Dreamin'

OKAY SO I FUCKING HATE THIS MUTHERFUCKING TOWN!!! I totally didn't mean to put that in all caps, but it happened, and i'm like, yeah, that's about how i feel. I miss Dustin like none other, and i think i'm just about to explode.

I got the damned report card today, and i'm failing. horribly. Which is crap, but i know that i just need to turn shit in. In brit liti can get my grade up in a new york minute. i'll do some shit tonight. Miller's too. Sociology is another story, lol... I need to make up a load of shit in there, and the teacher's a cunt that thinks basically i've been simply skipping, that i'm not in an excruciating about of pain in the fucking mornings...

why doesn't school start at a normal time?? like nine?
For some reason Josh is really pissing me off. I think my you-know-what is coming.

Eliott got me a signed Franz disc for Chrimbo. I nearly pissed myself when i saw it... he had it all taped open in a box so that when i opened the box i would see the signatures... oh GOD it's so awesome. it's like, seriously orgasmic. I could hold that in my hand and wank legitimately with the other.

Poor kid thinks he still has a chance...
I mena, of course i'm gonna keep him around. After all, he can get me backstage to anywhere, tickets to anything, andeverything in between! That and his stupidity never fails to cheer me up a bit.
Damn. I'm going straight to hell.

I got mad at dustin yesterday because he totally wasn't paying attention when i was tellin ghim about my back, and I hung up pretty promptly with him, with the intention of calming down and then calling him back, right? well, guess what he does?

CALLS JOSH!

Yeah. That just shows how much he fucking loves me. I love him so damn much. I wish he didn't have to work so freaking much, though. I mean, i barely get to talk to him anymore.

I'm bored, i'm gonna look at photos or something. Cheers.